I used to hate myself because I was different from everybody else. I’ve always wanted to fit in but I was so afraid of what people might think of me or say about me. I got so depressed that all that I could do was find something on the internet that would make me so happy that I’ll forget about what other people had said to me. I had no one to rant to. The internet and social media was that for me. I ranted about what I was going through. I made some friends along the way. Angelique and Sarah were also dealing with very similar things that I am dealing with. They are both using social media as an outlet to unleash all of their anxieties away.
I felt alone in my real life that I started to make up things about myself which came naturally because I love to write and write until there’s no ink left in my pen. I didn’t realized my creative outlet was poetry until I was twenty-four years old. I started to fix my WordPress blog so that I only shows the blog posts that I am most proud of. And I started to post my poetry, I’ve received so many likes on them that it made me a very happy woman. I knew for a fact that there are people like me in the world. I just needed a proper outlet to express how I feel even though I can’t find the right words to say it out loud.
I even felt like all of the Warners in my life would be the one to rescue me from all of the loneliness that I felt. I know that the old Maria is happy and that she’s enjoying the change that her Emmett has given to her. He had turned my life around from bad to good. I know now that there’s someone out there who is willing to go the distance for me even though that I don’t see it.
I’ve been watching a lot of Ted Talks, listened to a lot of Podcasts, and watched a lot of Marilyn Monroe videos. I’ve also been listening to the Bombshell soundtrack from the ill-fated TV show, SMASH.
The lyrics that caught my interest is from the song Let Me Be Your Star where the singer croons: “fade in on a girl with the hunger for fame and a name and a face to remember” which dictates Marilyn Monroe’s determination to become an actress during the time when women were seeking domestic work and didn’t get the upper hand at home. Marilyn seeked for people to know her story. She wanted people to love her for who she is which she had never gotten from her own flesh and blood.
I know that this may be a cliché topic to write about but I’m not a stranger to feeling like an outcast from my peers. I felt like I didn’t belong and that I wasn’t good enough to hang out with the cool crowd. I felt like Marilyn Monroe trying to get people to like me because I was like them. But they all treated me differently, they outcast me fairly quickly and I didn’t have anyone to talk to. It was like I’m the hurricane that they wanted to avoid in life. It was in that moment that I got so depressed. I started thinking about taking my own life.
My depression started when I was a little girl. No one wanted to listen to me because I was only a child. Truth be told that the younger generation is smarter than the older generation but I’m not going into that with this post. And I’m not ashamed of what I said in the past because of the things that people didn’t know I’ve been through. I just wanted for people to understand me as a person and not someone who is autistic.
It’s like Marilyn Monroe when she first met baseball player, Joe DiMaggio. He understood her unlike her later flings between the mob bosses and the politicians. I couldn’t pin point why he loved her when she was the sex symbol that all the men wanted. And I’m not afraid to say that I’m a Marilyn and I don’t care who knows it. I just want to be a girl and be the loyal girl that a guy wants. There is no punishment in this world for a loyal girl. Because it’s the woman who makes the house a home.
I know that’s a little backwards thinking for today’s society but I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid to say the things that I’ve said in the past. It’s society that needs to wake up and start seeing the world as it is. That is the Jackie Kennedy in me! I’m that loud mouth girl who just wants people to listen to her which brings me back to my sincere obsession with Elle Woods and Legally Blonde.
The scene that stood out for me is when Warner dumped Elle Woods for a one-way ticket to Harvard Law School. He told her that “[she’s] not serious enough” for him. In other words, she was way to “le vie en rose” for him. Elle lives her life in pink, literally. In Warner’s eyes, she’s obsessed with him in a way that she’ll follow him all the way to Harvard with a near perfect score in her LSATs test. He saw her as a Marilyn when she can be both a Marilyn and a Jackie.
On the flip side of the Marilyn Monroes of this world, there is the Jackie Kennedys of this world. They are the loyal ones and they will do anything to protect the people in their family. These people are the ones who already made their mind up and will stand up for what they believe in. I’m one of those people too. I have the hunger to become the most loyal person in the room and the social butterfly at the same time. And once, I’ve started something there’s no going back.