Hate(d) My Reflection

Everyone has their lines and questions that they want to avoid answering.

Mine is the question: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

I just find it upsetting to get asked that question by people. I don’t even tell my own family that the question just makes me cry and feel like I’m not good enough to do what I want to do.

I felt ugly.

I felt sad.

I felt like an outsider.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough.

I wanted to die. I hated myself. I wanted to yell at people. I wanted to show them how much it hurts me to get asked such a personal question by my family.

What’s worse?

Is that the boys who I wanted to be friends with thought that I like like them when I’m just friendly, kind, and generous. It turns out that boys will always be boys and I don’t matter to them as a friend. Girls, too. I always feel like I’m not good enough, not pretty enough to run with their clique. Or I’m not Portland enough for them.

It’s hard enough that I have to deal with other Filipinos asking me why I’m not interested in going back home to the Philippines. I have numerously hinted at the fact that the Philippines is no longer my home. I no longer see it as a home. I see the Philippines as a place that just triggers so many bad memories. It made me numb to pretend that I’m happy. I could never stop myself until I scream at people in public. That is how bad I’ve had it.

I punished myself when I was in the Philippines last December. I couldn’t take back those three weeks back. I felt like I betrayed myself due to the fact that I hated the way that I looked because of the things that my family had said to me about whether or not that I have a boyfriend or not. It’s horrible. I felt like I had nothing to be proud about.

I just broke down. I couldn’t deal with the fact that my family are pushing me to find a boyfriend, get married, and be a housewife because that’s something that they think that I’m capable of doing. That’s just so wrong to imply on someone who just wants to give people like her a voice.

My culture made me feel like crap. And that’s how I felt everyday since I was a child. In all honesty, the more that I distant myself from my culture, the more that I start to love myself.

It’s okay to distant yourself from the culture that you grew up with but it’s not okay to hate yourself because of what is expected of you due to your culture.

xo

One thought on “Hate(d) My Reflection

  1. It’s funny how a little question like “do you have a boyfriend” or “where are you working” can feel so weighted. It’s so common for people to judge women based on their relationship status, which is BS.
    Well I hope that you find your tribe in Portland. The atmosphere there has become so hipster it’s almost stifling. Too much for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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